Wanda and Wayne,
My girlfriend and I have been together almost two months. She’s smart, funny, focused, warm, and has her life together. She’s everything I’ve looked for and never thought I’d find. But about three weeks in I learned something about her that I’m still trying to process. She uses marijuana every day. Not smoking joints at parties or bong hits or whatever I might have imagined. She vapes, so no smell, no obvious signs, and if she didn’t tell me, I never would’ve guessed. She doesn’t “act high” and she’s great at her job and responsibilities, keeps her commitments, and isn’t the cliché slacker stoner type at all.
She says it helps with anxiety and sleep and calls it part of her “personal health journey.” She also said it’s better for her than prescription drugs that she’s tried over the years. She said her therapist even encouraged it since it is what works for her. She says her family knows and they support her because she struggled with depression. Beyond them and a few of her close friends, it’s basically a secret. Now that I’m paying attention, I’ve realized she uses it before pretty much everything — if we’re going out, staying in, going to bed, even before she goes to work.
I’ve never used or even been around drugs, so this is a lot for me to take in. I barely drink alcohol, and she doesn’t either aside from an occasional glass of wine. I know I’m more conservative about substances than most, and maybe I’m even naïve. I get that pot is legal here and in a lot of other places. But I can’t shake a worry I guess that she’s so dependent on it, like she can’t function without it.
I don’t know if this is a legitimate red flag or if I’m just overreacting because it’s all new to me, and I honestly don’t understand. Is this just how people use marijuana now and I’m the one who needs to chill out? Or should I listen to my gut and see this as a red flag in a new relationship?
Wanda says:
As you’re a self-proclaimed novice in the ways of drug use, let me introduce you to a term called microdosing. The most basic definition of microdosing is when a person takes very small doses of drugs at regular increments throughout the day. While often referring to psychedelics, like LSD or psilocybin, it can certainly apply to marijuana too.
Because pot is still illegal at the federal level and in some states, and because the practice of microdosing is typically self-administered in privacy, there’s little data on how many Americans partake. But a 2024 study involving researchers from the University of California San Diego found a 1,250% increase in U.S. Google searches related to microdosing between 2015 and 2023. Suffice to say, the interest is there, and your girlfriend isn’t alone in citing microdosing as a way to alleviate anxiety and lessen depression.
Back to your question of whether this behavior is “how people use marijuana now,” sure, some people. Others pop a gummy before a concert, or enjoy a joint every few weeks or so, or yes, smoke a lot of pot every day. And just as these are individual choices, your personal reaction is also yours, and you shouldn’t feel any self-imposed or external pressure to react a certain way to your girlfriend’s drug use. This isn’t something you’re used to; you didn’t grow up around pot or socialize with it. So it’s obviously going to throw you for a loop, and that’s OK.
So no, you don’t need to “chill out.” You do need to have an adult conversation about whether this is a showstopper, and be honest with yourself and with her about the red flags. For example, why does she keep this such a secret? Would she ask you to keep it a secret too? If she visited family or friends with you, would she want you to hide it, or lie? Would she go on vacation somewhere where marijuana is still illegal (looking at you, Hawaii!)?
Wayne says:
No Maui Wowie for a Waikiki beach walk, Wanda? Major bummer, brah! At least Alaskans, if they so choose, can enjoy some Matanuska Thunder Wonder before an evening of epic northern lights viewing … or a night of Netflix binging.
As for our chronic-curious writer, this is as big or small of a deal as you make it. The relationship is brand-new, and by your own words, this woman is everything you’ve been looking for. Maybe her background, lifestyle, and mental health approach is different than yours, but it’s clearly working for her … and up until now, it was for you, too.
Every couple has differences to adjust to, especially at the beginning. She’s seemingly rolling with yours, and you’re learning about hers. It’s so early that it’s premature for you to assume that something you don’t fully understand is suddenly a dealbreaker. Lean into your curiosity, continue to stay more relaxed than rigid about this, and please enjoy the honeymoon phase. This is the good stuff! Keep getting to know her better, ask questions, see how her choices fit with your values and your day-to-day life together and individually, then start making big-picture decisions.
Maybe this turns out that it isn’t for you, or maybe it ends up being a whole lotta nothing. But don’t make this a weed crop atop a hill that that your new, and potentially special, love dies on … yet.
[Dear Annie: You don’t owe strangers private details about your life or your family — period]
[Wayne & Wanda: My girlfriend’s job drama is causing friction in our relationship]