Anyone fancy chatting with me? I’m feeling a little suicidal right now.

Tl;dr: Need someone to chat with. However, only someone who also has issues with (or at least has had issues with) low mood/outgoingness/Autism, as anything else tends to make me feel like more of a failure than I already do.

Here is my situation in (admittedly very long-winded) brevity:

– My family doesn’t like me (was abused both physically and mentally when I lived with them).

– I was bullied at school and have often been teased/laughed at in social contexts after that, both by other young people and "adults".

– I have never had any close friends, more than for short periods. I know I did well in expanding mine [enmanband](https://youtu.be/AYdC73VIeQc?si=HFXahyG3oqyz5sq3) in some way and that it is in loneliness that many of my problems live. It’s just very difficult to do that when you have no idea how to build strong/long-lasting friendships and also never experienced that anyone around you (parents mainly I’m thinking of) knew how to do it either.

– I had bad social workers who not infrequently devoted themselves to shifting the blame for everything that happened to me.

– The fact that I’m also probably somewhere on the autism spectrum and generally not quite like girls my age "should" hardly makes things any better.

– I have tried to study at university twice, in two different cities, the last time abroad (where I am still) and did my best to turn my situation around, both in terms of loneliness and lack of employment, but both times it has failed.

– I have just, in the middle of an anxiety attack, terminated my lease (on the student apartment that would have had to be terminated sooner or later anyway because I am not studying anymore), even though I have no idea where I will go in 3 months when I have to move out. All I know is that I can’t stay here any longer.

– I feel like my two main options right now are to either 1. move back in with my family, which would feel like a failure because I promised myself to cut contact with them, or 2. kill myself, which of course would feel like just as much of a failure for obvious reasons.

I don’t like to be a whiner and usually drown myself in Youtube-Exercise-Youtube-Exercise about every other to avoid being that, but I feel like it can’t really be avoided right now because my situation now basically requires me to do things, even though I really don’t have the energy for it. Which ones "things" as I should "take hold of" I have no idea – it’s kind of even a little hard to know when I’ve just lost all my future plans… again.

Technically, I guess there should be a lot left for me to live for, then me "only" is 21. It’s just that I’ve never really been able to find *anything* worth living for at all and I’ve tried, many times, but I’m kind of losing it now.

So, if there’s any equally failed soul out there who feels like distracting me from my impending doom, feel free to send me a message. I’m already feeling a lot better after writing off a bit and the worst anxiety subsided, but ah- it wouldn’t have hurt to have someone to talk to anyway.

Some things I know I usually like to discuss/engage in when I’m not feeling depressed are: cooking, reading, drawing, current social issues, and to some extent games and music as well. Meeen I’m willing to talk about anything really.

Health for the neck, banana! (Trazan and Banarne reference, sorry 🍌🙈)

Edit: Well, especially a lot of anxiety, you can’t have time to have as much as you write anymore. I really have to sleep in to have time to answer everyone! 😅 Thanks for that. It means more than you realize <3