I see many, many couples in conflict about porn. Actually, the conflict is almost never about porn.
Why doesn’t she like him watching porn?
She imagines he compares her to porn actresses, and she feels bad about herself. She compares herself to porn actresses, and feels bad about herself.
This isn’t about porn. If a woman compares herself to movie stars, or models, or college cheerleaders, or the attractive barista she sees every week, she’ll feel bad about herself. So she shouldn’t do that.
We all have to learn not to do that. And not just around looks. We all need to not compare ourselves to other people regarding money, the prestige of our jobs, how smart our kids are, or the quality of our Christmas tree.
And yes, capitalism continually pressures us to compare ourselves to others. Social media makes it worse, of course. And if your mother compared you (or still compares you) to your older brother, it’s even harder.
Still, this is an adult existential task that every one of us has to accomplish if we’re to have any contentment in our lives. Porn didn’t create this challenge, and eliminating porn won’t fix it. Our bodies will deteriorate, and others will have better lives than we do. How do we deal with that?
Why Else?
Why else doesn’t she like him watching porn?
He doesn’t want sex with her, and she blames his porn-watching.
He doesn’t get erect with her, doesn’t climax with her, doesn’t seem interested in her pleasure. He seems a million miles away during sex with her. She blames his porn-watching.
So they quarrel: “I don’t want you watching porn.” “OK, I won’t.” But he does anyway, eventually gets “caught,” and so he’s now a liar. Now they really have something to quarrel about.
Or she says, “I don’t want you watching porn,” and he says, “Well, I’m a grownup, and I can do what I want. Besides, it’s no big deal, all guys do it.” “Oh, so your porn is more important than me or my feelings. Great.” Now they can quarrel about whether he cares enough about her and whether or not he has the right to do what he wants.
The worst thing about such quarrels is that they don’t resolve anything. They can’t, because they’re not focused on the real problem—his sexual indifference, say, or her lack of confidence, his lack of emotional presence, her fear of abandonment, his ambivalence about commitment, and so on.
In my clinical experience, people would rather quarrel endlessly about porn than face the painful truths of their unsatisfying relationship.
Considerate, Enthusiastic
Porn doesn’t steal considerate, enthusiastic lovers from their considerate, enthusiastic partners.
Masturbating to porn is what some people do instead of resolving their sexual difficulties. Or instead of facing the fact that they don’t desire their partner. Or instead of talking about their anxiety about sex. Or instead of dealing with their depression, loneliness, social anxiety, ADD, shame, feeling like a failure, or hating their job.
When someone says, “I don’t want you watching porn,” they’re proposing a solution. The question is, what problem is this proposal designed to solve?
If people just focus on the solution and they disagree about it, the conversation is over. Instead, they need to discuss her dissatisfaction: “I want more sex with you.” “I want different sex with you.” “I want you to treat me differently when we’re in front of other women, like waitresses, cashiers, and my friends.” (Of course, he should also articulate any dissatisfaction, too.)
If he can’t have a grownup conversation about her (or his) concerns, porn isn’t the problem. His character is. His anxiety is. His anger is. And most of all, his responses to these things—his behavioral choices—is.
If he’s late to his kid’s birthday party because he’s in the bathroom masturbating to porn, that’s much bigger than a porn problem. If he insists that you have sex the way porn actresses do after you’ve said clearly that you don’t want to, that isn’t a porn problem. In either case, taking away his porn won’t fix the problem.
“When we have sex, I want you to please slow down and touch me differently, and I want to feel your presence and caring” can be the start of a conversation. “You have to stop watching porn” generally prevents or ends a conversation.
I am very sympathetic to women who can’t get their guy’s attention sexually. The problem isn’t the way you look, or the way you kiss, or the fact that you don’t like oral sex.
Every Successful Couple
Every successful couple has simple ways that partners can get each other’s attention without conflict or begging. Regardless of the subject—money, health, parenting, chores, sex–“Honey, I really need us to talk about X this week, OK?” should be sufficient. If it isn’t, the problem isn’t the subject you want to discuss.
It’s the relationship.
It isn’t the porn. And getting rid of porn won’t fix the relationship.
Fixing a relationship is more complicated than that.