Parents happier than childless couples, but not if they start young
https://www.thetimes.com/uk/science/article/parents-happier-than-childless-couples-but-not-if-they-start-young-jjrh23bl3
Posted by ThatchersDirtyTaint
Parents happier than childless couples, but not if they start young
https://www.thetimes.com/uk/science/article/parents-happier-than-childless-couples-but-not-if-they-start-young-jjrh23bl3
Posted by ThatchersDirtyTaint
39 Comments
“Males who did not want children reported the lowest life satisfaction. Among females, those who were uncertain about whether they wanted children reported the lowest life satisfaction”
I know it’s not a popular opinion on here, but it’s great having kids.
As someone reaching 40 with no kids. I do struggle sometimes with purpose, like why am I doing this job, why am I doing these things. While my male friends with kids, always happy, struggling, but happy.
Something I think about time to time. Weather I was wrong not to have kids. š¤
The cynical part of me wonders how prone to lying parents would be in situations like this – would a parent admit to being unhappy after having children?
You can love your children but still wish you hadnāt had them – but thatās my joyless, childless, black-hole-of-a-heart talking.
Almost like we are biologically predisposed to want children!
Causation vs Correlation.
Iād wager those that *wait* are doing so for a purpose – prioritising their education and career. Once those are in place, along with a house, children can be brought into a stable and secure environment.
Those having children young, likely did without properly planning and thinking through the consequences. They going to be raising the child without financial security. They will be less experienced in relationships, adding to the stress.
People who have a plan, make deliberate decisions, build a career and have more money of course are going to have better lives than those who just ādo what they feel likeā.
Parenting is absolutely brilliant, the most fun and fulfilling part of my life, but Iām glad I travelled and had adventures in my twenties and early thirties.
If I hadnāt had a lot of experiences before having children I think Iād feel worse about not being able to do as much stuff while theyāre young.
Iām also definitely a better parent in my late thirties than I would have been a decade earlier.
There may be lot of bias here. Lot of people feel guilty saying they are unhappy with kids. Not on either side of this debate as Iām undecided on kids.
Pasting my comment so it doesnāt get buried:
Their conclusion was:
ā_Overall, our findings suggest that parenthood confers modest mental health benefits for both males and females, although these benefits are shaped by the timing of parenthood, the number of children and socioeconomic circumstances._ā
So, people who want children, are older when they become parents, have one or two, and are educated and affluent, on average, report lower mental health problems when compared to the other groups.
Itās reasonable to see why this would be true, but we canāt draw āitās great having kidsā from their findings.
Imagine if we had policies which encourages families rather than totemic triple lock.
Happiness is fickle. Have kids when you feel you are ready to be good parents.
I have a daughter and I suffer with depression.
Dealing with depression has become easier, those days where I donāt want to get up I use to stay there but now I always get up to see what sheās up too.
Sometimes itās colouring in, sometimes weāre role playing superheroes and sometimes she wants to read together.
Having a child makes me happy and thatās not something I could have said 10 years ago because I was always waiting for the next trigger to put me in a downward spiral. Being a dad is a really good journey and you just have to put your all into it and raise that little one into something beautiful.
Wonder how much happier they would be if people stopped pestering them about having kids, about how kids are their entire universe, how they canāt imagine not being a parentā how society is constantly complaining and crying at the falling birth rate and how there are constant negative connotations to being old without a child.
Like create a culture wherein having a child is seen as the only thing worth doing like a marriage and buying a house then not doing it can make you feel like the odd one out and like you are doing something wrong.
There is of course the basic component of it being one of our purposes in nature and so also lead to such a society.
Also I wonder how many of these childless couples are childless due to past trauma, medical issues, societal anxiety or the financial freedom to have a child. (I canāt open the article for whatever reason my phone wonāt let me).
I think this is one of those studies that uses broad brush headlines to obscure important details, such as
>āA greater number of children was linked to worse mental health for females but not males,ā the research said. āFemales with more children reported significantly higher psychological distress and lower life satisfaction, reinforcing the notion that the mental health burdens of parenthood disproportionately affect mothers.
There is, in addition, a huge stigma around publicly admitting that you don’t enjoy your children, and no doubt that comes into research responses.Ā
And let’s not forget the /r/regretfulparents sub. It must be terrible to be a child that the parents didn’t really want.Ā
If you want kids, have them, but preferably wait until you’re financially stable. If you don’t want kids, don’t have them, because it’s not fair on anyone involved.Ā
Having kids is the hardest yet most amazing thing you can ever do
Sometimes you end up not being able to have kids, me and my wife went down the usual fertility route but it just didnāt happen.
However we have five nephews to spoil and get to live our lifeās how we want. Just the cards we were dealt. Was definitely depressed at first but now we are both happily married 8 years.
My kids are the best thing I’ve ever done. The baby stage was very tough, but right now having a 3 yo and A6 yo is magical. They give me intense daily joy and pride. Seeing their personalities develop and their innocent view of the world is a real privilege. I do think kids can strain relationships though – at last the baby stage did for us. Worth it though!
My parents were in their 40s when they had me and I think I benefited from them being more mature and having life experience before kids. I’ve not had any kids myself and I’m very happy with that decision. All my mates say they love their kids but if they had the choice they probably wouldn’t do it again.
Having kids is fantastic. You know what else is fantastic? Not having kids. They are equally fantastic for different reasons.
It’s funny, I just reached 41 and up until now I was a late bloomer. Met my partner 5 years ago, bought our first house 2 years ago. But something switched in us about a year ago – it felt like all we did was wake up, goto work, come home and eat dinner, goto sleep and rinse and repeat, waiting for the next weekend or holiday to have something to look forward to. We were both working hard to get to good levels in our professions which kept us busy but now we’re there, you do wonder what more is there left to life and if this is is now.
Thankfully, my partner is now 18 weeks pregnant and although I was ambivalent towards having children before, now I’m really looking forward to it as the next stage of our life – I know it’s corny but it does feel like we have another purpose.
Iām curious where this leaves all the deadbeat dads and neglectful parents who seemingly view their children as a chore and donāt even raise them adequately. Itās all good saying parents on average are more content or satisfied – doesnāt guarantee theyāre actually āgood parentsā. There are other ways to give yourself a sense of responsibility and fulfilment if youāre looking for that. Having children is a duty, itās not this romanticised gift thatās going to magically solve your relationship or make you happier. And once that infant stage is over and you canāt show off your perfect little cherubs anymore and theyāre difficult – you find a lot of parents donāt know how to handle it. Donāt rely on having kids to give you happiness or purpose. Theyāre not fcking tamagotchis.
Odd. The childless people I know are much happier and fulfilled than those with children.
I’m in my 40’s with no kids and loving life. I work on creative projects, I gain fulfilment from my cat, who is a big baby, and I dont need to stress about the financial realities of kids. I know my personality wouldn’t suit raising a child and I’m happy with that.
I’ve definitely noticed this in my mum.
When my sister and I were born, she was in her early twenties and probably didn’t expect to have children so early, and resented this and also having to handle most of the parenting as a military housewife.
When my brother was born 16 years later, he wasn’t planned either, but by then, my mum had found financial security as a regional manager, finally gone to college, and has had a better, more enjoyable time raising him she was more prepared this time around, even though she’s had to do all the raising since my brother’s dad died.
This reads like asking gym goers what’s a good amount to be able to lift.
As a 30something with a girlfriend, living alone and no kids – I’m definitely happier than the few people I know with children. Their leaves scream constant stress. Part of it seems they’re stuck in jobs they hate to feed the family.
So money may be a major factor.
Iād assume that wether the couples are childless by choice or by circumstance will have a big impact on this.
You can be happy without kids, you can be happy with kids. Huge influence on that is financial aspect. If me and SO had a child 15 years ago we’d be hugely less successful in our life, and I don’t mean career. eF career. Thanks to being responsible for just each other we were able to take chances that we would never take being parents. Now it might be too late, but that’s life.
You don’t need to have polls or research done to know having money helps. With everything.
Have more kids so the elites can keep their lifestyle? No thanks. Why anyone would willingly have kids when the world is in such a state is beyond me
The study concluded: āOverall, our findings suggest that parenthood confers modest mental health benefits for both males and females, although these benefits are shaped by the timing of parenthood, the number of children and socioeconomic circumstances.ā
It is self-reported, most parents have Stockholm syndrome
Early 40s millennial here, no intention of having kids. Not even an option without adoption anyway. Got 3 cats and spend my time enjoying life. Not having kids means I can retire earlier too, and don’t need to be concerned about leaving an inheritance.
Yeah, as a 40 year old married man – who frequently babysits our friends’ children ā I and my wife can absolutely assure you that we are FAR happier without them than with them. I enjoy babysitting them, but I far more enjoy being able to hand them back at the end of it.
My everyday life as someone childfree is what my friends who are parents say their dream day is.
This sounds like a bullshit survey answered by a load of people with Stockholm syndrome.
Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who had my kids young and loves it. I was having therapy from 14 years old because I was depressed and suicidal and nothing helped. I had my first at 20 and since the moment she was born I havenāt been suicidal at all. I love everything about being a mum and I know itās not for everyone but for me itās everything and more.Ā
I think its such a tough one with many variables depending on the couple.
I’ve known couples at 21/22 years old who just wanted kids ASAP and had 2 or 3 in a row, and paid no attention to their finances because they had willing family always ready to support.
Whereas there’s friends in their thirties who’re only now planning to have kids because they’ve set up their life with a house, solid careers, financial stability etc.
But on the flipside, I know people well into their 40s and 50s who didn’t have the best relationships in their younger years and never had kids, to which this day they’re grateful because their kids lives would be torn due to home issues, but this gave them the freedom to pursue other things like education, careers, renovating houses to sell on every few years and making bank with every sell.
For myself, I lean towards no, just because I’ve never felt that parent or maternal instict kicking in, and certainly couldn’t imagine my life being changed so much because of it. Not to mention, our family is absolutely tiny as everyone has either passed on, estranged or long-distance. No parents, no grandparents, minimal uncles/aunts, so we’d get no family support which many new parents often get.
So many variables. I had three kids before I was 30 and have a lovely life. But has it stopped certain decisions I may have made for my career? Definitely. My friends started later and are more sorted in other ways, but I’m already starting to look towards life when kids leave home, my friends are just getting into it. And we’re all happy with those decisions. There are just too many variables per family for these studies.
It’s always funny seeing parents desperately try to justify their life choices.
Important distinction here is the difference between being childless and being childfree.
Well Iām doing even better than most of you. Not only am I childless in my mid 40s , I am also single. Sometimes itās great, I can do what I like, I donāt have to worry about someone else opinion, and other times itās awful because Iām on my own, and I have no one here to support me (I have friends and family of course but itās not the same).
I can still find a partner but I think having children is really unlikely now , but maybe if I found a great wife, we could adopt or even foster older children .
Obviously, because child*less* want, but don’t have, them.
Child*free*, on the other hand, are happier.
I’m 47 now amd the older i get the less drive I have for having kids. Used to want them and couldn’t afford to have one, now im not inclined to have them even if I can afford them.