Former Prince Andrew is butt of the year’s best Christmas cracker joke

The “top ten”

1. Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles.

2. Why don’t Noel and Liam want to open their presents early on Christmas morning? They need a little time to wake up.

3. Which pop star carves her own wooden nativity scene? Sabrina Carpenter.

4. What do Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and a snowman have in common? They’re both out in the cold.

5. What is a French burglar’s favourite Christmas film? Louvre, Actually.

6. Could Lily Allen and David Harbour get back together for Christmas? Stranger Things have happened.

7. Why won’t Angela Rayner get any Christmas presents this year? Santa can’t decide which address to deliver to.

8. What is Claudia Winkleman’s favourite part of Christmas dinner? The Taters.

9. Does Celia Imrie beat her family at Christmas party games? Yes, she trumps them all.

10. Where has Santa been more than Nigel Farage? His house in Clacton.

11. Why have elephants got big ears?
>!Because Noddy won’t pay the ransom!<

Now Oasis have reunited, they’re working on a song about passing the same supermarket over and over.

It’s called “Lidl By Lidl”

No, you fuck off.

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what did the train say to the sad train?
what’s wrong wit’ choo-choo?